Thursday, August 16, 2007

"Oh What a Riot, Blubber's on a Diet..."

I am not fat.

I keep telling myself this, though I feel so defeated. I feel defeated when my feet ache as I dismount the elliptical trainer. I feel defeated as I look at myself in the mirror in table top pose and see the pouch of my lower belly rising in a mound over the rest of my straightened torso. I feel defeated as I put another pair of trousers into storage because I can't button them. I feel defeated as I feel my belly jiggling up and down as I run upstairs.

This gloom emerges from all corners. It doesn't just lurk in the closet, hiding in the folds of fabric of clothes I can't wear anymore. It lurks in the kitchen, in the bag of trail mix, in the cookie jar that I look longingly at. It hides in restaurant menus, popping out to glare at me when I begin to peruse an item that I really shouldn't be eating. It swirls around women wearing the same dress from Ann Taylor--two sizes smaller--that I see in Copley Square.

I know that it takes time, even when a concerted effort is made. I've worked harder at the gym than ever during this month. I've cut back on sweets, and taken up eating more fruits and vegetables. I'm drinking more water. I'm taking the stairs instead of the elevator. I'm doing everything I can, and still my lower belly shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly.

I will have to keep working at it. A month isn't enough. There is no such thing as instant gratification in weight loss. I keep wondering how it got this way, and blaming myself. Nose to the grindstone, I march on.

3 responses:

Tiffany said...

Calla,
Glad you found my blog! And even gladder still that you found the information there useful. Internet networking is glorious. I know countless people I never would have otherwise - in a matter of months!

As to your post, I would tell you to stick with it. I lost 20 pounds last fall, and it was all about persistence, following my own guidelines (I did WW, and that worked well for me, because hitting my points each day was a challenge, a game even), and not being too hard on yourself in the meantime! I've kept most of those 20 pounds off, too!

ccroceiii said...

It is good to see women still finding their self worth in their body image. That is how we keep you in place. Now stop filling your little minds with all those difficult thoughts and empty your stomachs into the toilet; a beautiful body brings respect. Good thing us guys aren't so shallow.

mice said...

i think being healthy is a good goal and something i should be better about.

As far as being attractive though I think that you are very attractive.

Thats just how I feel.


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