Taking Today

I'm sure most bloggers are aware of the practice of self-censorship. I learned my lesson in 2004, when I discovered a few remarks on the blog that I thought was anonymous ended up causing my whole Peyton Place-like hometown to gossip about me and my family. Which is why there is a lot of stuff that I'd love to write about that I just don't. Especially since I write under my real name now; it's much more likely to be read by someone who knows me personally.

I'm always amazed by bloggers who are willing to put everything out there, like Penelope Trunk. I don't agree with everything she writes, but on the other hand, I admire her bravery in writing about her battles with post-partum depression and the disintegration of her marriage.

Today, I am admitting to myself that it's okay to take a day and rest. My big secret? I'm stressed out beyond belief, and it's taking a huge toll on my health. I hate to admit that, but I'm just going to confess that it's hard to be out of work in this economy. I'm a little tired of selling my CD collection on Half.com. I have enjoyed my latest paid project: making stuffed animals. That's at least creative and uses a lot of my brain power. But mostly I lie awake at night and think about every little thing I can do to get a job. I obsesses about how to answer the questions about leaving my last job, over how I could tweak my resume, about should I take up temping or not.

And last night, for the first time in weeks and weeks, I managed to really sleep. I had no dreams about being attacked, showing up to a new job naked, or any of the other panicked images that have kept me awake for so long. I didn't sleepwalk. I didn't wake up talking to people who aren't there. And I managed to sleep until noon. I feel relaxed. I feel pretty good. Good enough to share some of my anxiety with you. I'm sure the snark brigade will have a field day with this.

In light of this, I'm allowing myself to take the afternoon off. I'm going to read a non-career related book, fix a tear in a pair of shorts, and watch Whale Rider. And I am not going to feel guilty about this. I'm going to enjoy today, and go back to work tomorrow.